In recent days, many of my white colleagues/friends have been afforded the amazing opportunity of either getting on the wasted doses vaccination lists or being considered as educators by local places offering vaccines. (Wasted dose lists are pharmacy waiting lists that you can add your name to and they will call people at the end of the day if they have doses that will go to waste if they aren't used.)
I'm ELATED that so many people I know who have largely adhered to all the covid protocols and thereby been mostly locked away in their houses, have been able to secure vaccine doses OR an appointment to get one soon. I immediately considered jumping on this bandwagon, and then I reconsidered.
I feared that once I, a Black woman, showed up with my work ID that suddenly higher ed faculty would not be considered educators--despite EIGHT of my white colleagues already getting the vax, as of this writing. Or that I would be questioned as being a higher ed faculty (people are often surprised when I say I'm a college professor. They often have to stop their jaw from hitting their chest or they fumble and make an awkward joke when I saw the dept.); that I'd need to show my faculty profile pic or some shit. Or that if I called around to make an appointment that suddenly, the lists would be too long and they wouldn't take my info.
I then had second, third, fifth, tenth, thirtieth thoughts and a whole ass internal dialogue about this. Conversations with a Black friend confirmed my fears. (They called around several places and were reminded of the eligibility levels and told the lists were really long--this despite both the higher ed factor AND that my friend and their mate both have health concerns that place them in the 1b category.) And then I realized that this whole ass internal dialogue I had with myself is a model example of how basic things of life become stress-inducing events for Black folks and other marginalized groups. What has been easy as pie for my non-melanated colleagues, has become a barrier for us with melanin.
All of this is just a slice of life for Black folks. Welcome. Have a sit. Listen. And consider privilege.
Racial gaslighting leading us to doubt what we know is true and doubt we know (because, history) would be slights and misfortunes. Me second, third, twelfth guessing my thoughts about what might happen. Me, spiraling about showing up, showing my ID, and then being added to a "banned from vax for 6 months" list. (Goddess, I hope this list doesn't exist, but if it does, you can best believe folks from marginalized backgrounds disproportionately are on that list.)
Mental calculations about how to navigate life and social interactions to ensure what we need by working around the system in place. Heightened stress over something that should be as simple as filling in a few details and picking a day and time.
At a time when there are celebratory news stories of health workers delivering vaxes on the side of snow-filled highways so the doses don't get wasted, or pharm techs calling number after number just to use all the doses that day, or pharm techs roaming stores offering the vax to shoppers so they don't waste the doses, there should not be any need for a Black woman or anyone from any marginalized group (esp. one with health concerns) to have to navigate other means, but here we are.
Systemic racism-induced stress is a thing. But it's so inborn in society that we often don't even realize it is literally killing us because we are so fucking used to operating like this and so "it just is." Racism has so many impacts on our physical and mental health, in ways we can't even properly process because "it just is." We've come to operate our lives in certain ways, because "it just is."
We know that there have been disparities in the infection and death rates based on race. We also now know there have been disparities in vaccine distribution rates. This too, just is.
I'm tired of "it just is." I NEED changes in society now. Tired of being stressed and sick and tired of being sick and tired for just trying to exist and not die from a disease that has attacked the world.
It's exhausting to perform a million mental gymnastics routines just to secure life-saving doses of a vax. If the goal is to get vaccines in arms, after people who are severely ill, healthcare workers, and those in nursing homes, it should've been a free for all. Anyone who wants one, gets one NOW. We should not have to do all these fucking calculations, get on special lists, finagle which category of educator do you actually fit int, etc.
Calculating all the different ways I could be denied a vax if I signed up this week, I instead chose an appointment for next week, when I KNOW I would be eligible under the 1c category. My Black friend did the same. So, we'll both finally get the vax--likely after all our white coworkers.
Ain't democracy, freedom, and liberty in these systemically racist United States grand?!
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